Do you long for hope amid life's struggles and challenges? Then join author, certified mental health coach and inner healing prayer practitioner Tammy Kennington on From Hardship to Hope, the podcast for Christian navigating life through a faith based lens.
If you need biblical support, encouragement and actionable tips, this show is for you. Welcome. I'm your host, Tammy Kennington. Today we continue delving into the topic of loneliness with guest expert Don Dawn Ward.
Dawn is a speaker, writer and Bible teacher. She is the founder of the Faith to Flourish, a ministry offering support encouragement to women with addicted loved ones. Don also equips women to live transformed lives through inspiring teaching, mentoring and biblical resources.
She's married to Steve and mom to three adult children. Her book From Guilt to Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of addicted children, published September 24, is now available.
John, thank you so much for being here. Welcome.
Speaker A: Thank you for inviting me, Tammy. I look forward to our conversation.
Speaker B: I do too.
Well, let's go ahead and and start with the question of what role has your faith played in helping you navigate feelings of loneliness? And how can others lean on their faith in Christ in a similar sort of circumstance?
Speaker A: When I first looked at loneliness, I thought how can you be lonely when you're busy and you're a mom and you have kids and you have family and you have friends and you have work and your career and church and all of that.
And so there's so many people around us. But loneliness is not always about the number of people we have in our lives or the number of relationships we have. Often we feel lonely and isolated because of circumstances that we're going through.
In my case, it happened to be children who were struggling with addiction and especially when it started in our family close to 20 years ago. I remember feeling very isolated, not knowing who I could talk to because I was a woman of faith.
And I often found that the circles that I was in, while maybe they discussed higher power and those type of things, I didn't feel the connection that I needed to with my faith to help me to be able to be just open and honest and sincere and really be myself and know, talk about those hard things like when David cried out in the Psalms and just lamented.
I think that was something that was missing for me in that I felt the need to appear strong and to have a strong faith and to believe for the, for my children's welfare.
And I couldn't bring myself to feel like I felt comfortably in a circle where everyone was really depressed and hopeless. But I also didn't feel like I fit into a circle where it was all faith and everything is, you know, going to be fine and just trust Jesus and.
And so I felt like I kind of wavered and that is where my faith helped me. But at the same time, I struggled and was a little bit in limbo in there too.
Like, who can I be open to in the church and who can I talk to? So I could often go into a room full of people and feel just very lonely and isolated.
Speaker B: You have a similar experience to me in that I have a couple of precious children who walked through addiction struggles. I too felt very alone in that because I wasn't quite sure who was a safe enough person, even within my faith community to share that with without feeling judged.
And I think it's so important that we not only deal with stigma having to do with addiction or mental health, but also with the stigma of loneliness, because it's not a topic we deal with much.
Do you have any tips or insight on how people can navigate that difficult situation?
Speaker A: I would say find your people. It's. It's instinctual to want to pull away. And I feel like an animal sometimes. It's caught trap where they're hurt and they need help, but the very person who's there trying to help them, they're pulling away from and they're.
And they're afraid of. And they might even be lashing out. And sometimes our support system doesn't look like what we think it should look like. In other words, we may feel like our husband should get us like the, you know, the children's father should understand what we're going through or be able to communicate in such a way as to offer us support.
Or maybe we feel like we should be able to talk to our family of origin, our parents, or our siblings, but because of history there, we really can't even talk to them.
And so we have to look outside of who we would think would normally be our circle of influence and would be those closest people to us because they just might not be the ones equipped to help us go through this.
And so finding someone that you can connect with, who relates, you know, it could be another mom, it could be another person going through what you're going through, whatever your circumstances are, if you're dealing with a terminally ill loved one or maybe your career was just swept away from you unexpectedly, finding those people who have either walked through it or are walking through it, but maybe a little bit ahead of you so that they can offer you some sage advice and encouragement about you will get through this so that you're not just commiserating, which can often make you feel like, well, gosh, you know, I got it off my chest, but I don't feel any better.
And so, yes, she gets me, but I don't feel any better. So sometimes you have to look, you have to kind of go around till you find your people, your tribe, if you want to call it that.
It could be one person, it could be a few friends. And I did find that that was the case, that it wasn't numbers of people and a lot of people, but it was just thinking to myself, like, lord, who do I know?
Or who could I get to know that can kind of help walk me through this and be a supportive, but also have enough wisdom to say, we. Come on, Dawn, you know, where is Jesus in this?
Do you see him in this? And you know, are you really alone? Or are there people who love you and care about you? Because sometimes our feelings lie to us too.
Speaker B: Absolutely. And I love that. I think we do have to really seek that kind of community out in pretty much any circumstance. But I can relate to kind of being that animal, having that sort of animalistic response because we just closed in on ourselves.
And that makes you feel even more isolated, which I think is part of the reason I think it's so important we're talking about these struggles. I do think people can even find their tribe, as you were saying, in groups like Celebrate Recovery.
Yes, because a group like Celebrate Recovery isn't just about addiction recovery. It's also about wounding. Just a general wounding. And that might be a good place if somebody is really looking for a way forward or even just personal counseling or couple counseling, just because then you have somebody who can reflect back to you.
Okay, have you thought about this?
Speaker A: And yes, I really agree because sometimes we get into our own head and it's like a broken record. Right. We can't get unstuck. We don't want to be where we're at, but we don't know how to take that one extra step that would.
Would then break that cycle. And often when we're dealing with long term difficult things like you and I both went through and many people are going through, what happens is we.
We don't know what we don't know, and we don't know what we need. And so part of it is just being open to finding a support system and saying to yourself. “You know, I really like her, she's nice.”
But I'm finding that if I'm spending time with her, I'm not feeling better. I might need to look for someone else or, you know, and that could even be a counselor.
You might be, you know, going to see a counselor. And for whatever reason, they're, they're empathetic, they're understanding, but you're not starting to feel better. And I think that's because often we see loneliness, but it's just one part of a puzzle piece of grief.
And so when you were talking about being like that, you know, animal that's hurt and caught, that's grief a lot of times too. And so we don't recognize that we're grieving.
So at first we're pulling away from the person or whoever God is sending to us for support because we're just thinking, I need to just snap out of.
But when something happens and you're going through the valley of the shadow of death, or you're going through a tremendous traumatic experience and shock and the trauma, often that's a natural survival, like a survival mode that we go into.
And so it's, it's instinctual and so it's okay in those first early days, weeks, when you're gathering information and you're just in shock and you're trying to get it to all settle in.
But when we start to stay there is when I think we really start to feel isolated and stuck. And so that's where someone who can help move us along.
And I even remember telling my sons that I'm like, find the groups that encourage and build you up and will hold you accountable in a positive way. Don't find the ones that are people who don't want to be there.
You know, for instance, if they're struggling with addiction, there's a lot of recovery groups, but some of them can just be a bunch of young kids. Maybe they're court ordered to be there.
They don't want to be there, they want to be out of there. If you really want to change, you want to have like minded people who are also working towards their change.
And I think that's the way it is with loneliness. We all enjoy being alone and having quiet sometimes and just being able to, you know, decombust and decongest and all of that.
But I. Loneliness and isolation are different. And that can really, we can really get stuck in that if we're not proactive.
Speaker B: Oh. Yeah. There's that distinct difference between the two. And even Even someone who's deeply introverted will still need that connection. And even if they don't need as much as the most extroverted individual there, because it's a continuum of need.
Speaker A: Yes.
Speaker B: So you mentioned a couple of great ways to build connection. What if you're struggling in your church home and feeling disconnected from others? How can people start to build that deeper, more meaningful relationship with people within those four walls?
Speaker A: That was something I had to learn because I tended to pull away from my church community.
I. Not to say I didn't. I didn't quit going to church, but I quit saying yes to a lot of the opportunities a church has in ministry and just gathering together and, and just serving together side by side.
I tended to pull away from those things.
And so what?
So in, for instance, if you get hurt, you're going to either go to an ER or to an urgent care so that a medical doctor can take care of you and see the injury and tell you how to treat it.
So you know where you need to go to help you if you're hurt or you're sick or you're injured.
And I think that's the way it is with whatever thing that's causing you to feel so lonely. You may need to go to a support group that's at another church.
Like you said, go to a counselor, find an online group of people who are going through what you're going through and do that with them, and then go to your church to worship the Lord, to be in each other's presence, serving together, finding that ministry that you love doing where you can just go and be you and enjoy building relationships and serving together.
And then over time, I think the Lord starts to bring those people that are your safe people that you can tell a little bit of your story to within your church family and not feel like, you know, I'm under everyone's constant scrutiny or they don't know how to ask me about this situation.
So, you know, everyone feels uncomfortable. And so I think it's just an opportunity until you start to get more comfortable and able to. In going through what you're going through, it just helps to maybe have the two separated a little bit.
Speaker B: And I love that. I'd never thought of that.
Speaker A: Yeah, because. Because sometimes our churches have great communities, but people, especially people who are in actual, maybe recovery for addiction, or I think about men who maybe have had a **** addiction or women who've had a **** addiction or something, if they were to go to their own church they might feel stigmatized, labeled, and maybe some people very well would do that, or maybe a lot of people would be very understanding.
But either way, you feel revealed and you feel uncomfortable, and maybe you're just not ready for that. And so knowing that you can go maybe someplace across town and make a group of friends there that are all going through the same thing that you're going through and dealing with the same thing you're dealing with, you may end up seeing some of the people from your church there, because they may be going across town as well.
But, you know, build that community because there's. We are very multifaceted people. We have gifts and talents that God has given us. And when we get lonely and we start grieving, we tend to just kind of sink into ourselves and we forget about all these beautiful other aspects of who we are that God created us to be, that we can go and flourish in those areas by serving and working.
You know, we have gifts or maybe you want to see. You love singing. Stay on the worship team. Go sing. Go be with your people and. And, you know, go to church for that reason.
Speaker B: I love that, because we still need to. When we're. When we're walking through a place of loneliness, we do need to nurture and foster those things that God has gifted with, gifted us with, because we want to remain in close relationship with him as well.
And that's so key, I think, to. To recovering from.
From any loneliness.
We need people, but we. But we need the Lord too. And so.
Thank you.
Speaker A: I do think about people who are homebound, and that's, I'm sure, something that you'll probably discuss further with some of your other guests that have had that personal experience or maybe a loved one who's homebound.
Right, Mom? Right now, my father is homebound, and he doesn't know the Lord, but he's dealing with a terminal illness. You know, his. His life is coming to an end here, but probably in the next few months or so.
And I see him, even when I try to drive to his town where he lives and say, well, can I just take you out for a little while? Or whatever, he.
His mind is already setting himself to just stay there.
And so some of his loneliness, you know, in a few months when he's really sick, maybe it would make more sense. But right now he's just tired, worn out, lonely, and doesn't have the energy.
And so that's where I think church communities can really help. Or if somebody is struggling just with transportation, I think, you know, if the Church community can look for those women, those people who are truly not able to get themselves to church or they even can't attend church in person, that it would be nice if someone in the church knows of a person like that, that maybe they go pay them a regular visit and just see them and encourage them for even just a few minutes or a cup of coffee, or take them a cookie and just visit for a few minutes can make a world of difference for people who really cannot do anything about their isolation.
Speaker B: Oh, that's fabulous. And, and that that group of people, whether it's chronic illness or people who are aging and just unable to get out, or people who have some, some particular reason that they're unable to leave home.
I think that's a beautiful thing. In one of the books I've been reading about loneliness, I wish I could remember which one. I have such a huge stack, but there was mention of a woman who was homebound.
And there was a group of people who found out about these people who. Other individuals who were homebound and they began making regular weekly phone calls.
And it was just incredible because she developed this relationship with a gentleman who continued to call her just a friendship. And finally he was able to meet with her and she was, you know, an elderly woman with diabetes.
And that's why she couldn't go anywhere because I think she had an amputation. And this young guy, 30 something, with young kids would visited her and they became such close friends and they continue to foster that relationship.
And she, she was able to get pressed through that loneliness so much because of him. And as a result was able to really focused on healing, losing weight and those things, and was eventually was able to return to visit different places and actually leave the home.
Speaker A: See, that's wonderful. That's just the gift of love, isn't it? And it's seeing a need and feeling it in any way that we can.
And I see that when the, when the church is working well together and the eye isn't trying to be the hand, and the hand isn't trying to be the foot, but everyone is just doing their part.
And so for me, for instance, I will cook for someone, but it's not like my strength, but I will do it. But, but if, if they say, well, you know, we need someone to take a casserole and we need someone to take a salad, I'd rather take the salad because then I know that I'm not possibly going to mess up the casserole and be all stressed out about it.
So then it turns out to be something I enjoy doing because I love actually getting with the person and who and just talking to them and enjoying their conversation and their company.
And so I think it's just also seeing what God has gifted us in and not feeling like, well, I can't do it like Betty, but instead, what is the thing God's asking you to do and that can help us come, you know, combat loneliness really well.
And I think loneliness has become a huge issue, especially since COVID It really felt like we had to be very intentional about getting out. I know my office was closed for several weeks during COVID and all of that.
And I just had to get myself out and walk and wave at people and just know that I was still alive.
You know, know we, I live in Las Vegas, our entire strip, all the hotels closed. And that's our, our main economy here. And so it was just a very weird ghost town kind of a feeling here.
And afterwards it took time to really start to feel comfortable just doing normal things again. So I can imagine for some people it's especially hard.
Speaker B: Yes, I think you're right. And it, the data does show and reflect exactly what you're saying, that loneliness has not decreased since COVID but it only increased. And so these are, these are such key conversations.
Speaker A: They are, yeah.
Speaker B: I just really appreciate all of your insight into that. What do you think?
The. What. How do you balance the need for personal solitude and reflection with. With the importance of being in a community? And what has that balance taught you about God's presence in your life?
Speaker A: So my career as I was a medical esthetician, so I worked in a medical practice for about 22 years, but I was in medical doctor's offices for about 25 years. So it's very high energy.
You're seeing a lot of patients, you're talking to a lot of staff. There's a lot going on. And so when I, what happened with me was I had a hand injury that required surgery.
The hand didn't heal well enough for me to go back and work on patients faces and, you know, take on that liability. And so that was a career end for me.
So I went from seeing people and being with people all day long to pretty much, you know, working behind my keyboard and behind the screen and connecting that way, which I had never really connected a lot with people.
I mean, I was on social media. I have an online support group for Christian moms whose children struggle with addiction. But I just didn't really have the one on one that I was used to having.
And I had to kind of work to get to where I was like, hey, can we connect and just talk over zoom and have a cup of coffee and get to know each other?
And I had to be very intentional about building relationships. And then I had to tell myself, okay, now you're. They're not just going to come to you. You have to go to them.
And so I think anytime the church can make opportunities for the. The people to come together, that's great. But I also feel like some of us are just stronger in the area of we're just more outgoing, and I think that's a gift.
So the people who are outgoing don't think that a shy person doesn't enjoy companionship. My daughter is on the autism spectrum, so she's very quiet and she only says what she has to say.
But she's a deep thinker and she doesn't miss anything. And she likes being with people. But it can be perceived, her quietness can be perceived as that she doesn't want to be with people.
But I would always ask her, like, you know, does this situation cause you stress or do you enjoy it? No, I like it. So then I would look for more opportunities to kind of cultivate those situations that she enjoyed.
She likes going out with myself and my friends and just listening to us gabber away. And she says very little, but she's taking it all in and she likes it.
And so I think for those of us who. That has taught me to kind of look for those shy, introverted people, if I'm at a group setting in church or whatever and just go introduce myself and just say hi, because it's always awkward for any of us to meet someone new.
But now as I'm getting older, I have less inhibitions that way, and I just enjoy meeting new people.
So I would say even if you're not comfortable really with one on one, put yourself into those situations and see who God brings your way, who, who you cross paths with.
And that's where I think the church can. Can do it really well, you know, in cultivating environments where, yeah, there's large group G, but there's also the opportunity for those small group gatherings as well.
Speaker B: Oh, I love. Yes. We put on the brave. Put on the brave.
Well, we usually close with a prayer. Don, would you consider offering a prayer to the person who's listening right now and just struggling with that loneliness?
Speaker A: I would. I would love to pray.
Speaker B: Thank you.
Speaker A: Okay. Lord Jesus, I thank you so much for this time that we've had together to Talk about loneliness. And I think everyone can put their pulse on a situation that they felt lonely in, that they felt uninvited, perhaps unwelcomed, perhaps even rejected.
I think we've all gone through situations in our life that have isolated us. And so for those people who right now are experiencing that or perhaps still hurting and struggling with the wounds of feeling lonely, feeling rejected, feeling like no one sees them, Lord, I just, I want to encourage them that you see them, that you know them, that you love them, you hear their cries.
And Father, you do not want them to feel lonely or to feel like no one cares and that there are people out there who are willing to get to know them and excited to get to know them.
So, Father, whatever it is they're going through that causes them to feel like I can't do it, I don't have it in me. I pray that you would just strengthen them to make that phone call or to say yes to that meeting or to find that meetup group, that it could be a knitting group, it could be a coffee club, it could be a book club, just anything.
It is that they would just make that phone call or go online and find that one thing that they really enjoy doing and take that step of faith. Just give them courage to take that step of faith.
And if anyone is listening and they see that woman at church that comes by herself all the time and her kids are crying and she puts them into the nursery and she sits down and feels frazzled and they just have a heart for her, Lord.
Or they see that widow who comes week after week and she's alone, or they. They hear of someone who was a regular at the church and now she's homebound. I pray that they wouldn't be shy, that you would fill them with your love, with your boldness and give them just creative ideas for ways to show and share your love.
So, Lord, we praise you. We thank you for those who are hurting, who are feeling like their circumstances are never going to end. Father, I want you to remind them that you are with them, that your rod and your staff comfort them and they are not alone because they have you.
So, Father, we praise you and thank you. Thank you for being our constant companion. We pray this in Jesus name. Amen.
Speaker B: Amen. Well, thank you, Dawn. I will put all of Dawn's links and information in our show notes, so be sure to check out all of her incredible, her incredible ministry and social media accounts.
Be sure to visit. And thank you, Dawn, for sharing your insight and wisdom with us.
And if you are listening and found this episode helpful, the best way you can spread the word about from hardship to hope is to text this to a friend and leave a five-star rating and review.
Until next time.
If you’d like to connect with Dawn…
Dawn Ward is a speaker, writer, and Bible teacher. She is the founder of The Faith to Flourish, a ministry offering support and encouragement to women with addicted loved ones. Dawn also equips women to live transformed lives through inspiring teaching, mentoring, and biblical resources. She is married to Steve and mom to three adult children. Her book, From Guilt to Grace: Hope and Healing for Christian Moms of Addicted Children, published September 2024, is now available.
Social Media links:
HTTPS://www.thefaithtoflourish.com
HTTPS://www.Facebook.com/thefaithtoflourish
HTTPS://www.instagram.com/thefaithtoflourishblog
Share this post